Spiderman is dead.
CAUTION! These photos may be offensive to some. Viewer discretion is advised.
Spiderman, long one of mankind's greatest hereos and protector of the weak, this morning succumbed to injuries inflicted in a fierce battle with the evil Dr. LOLA, arch enemy of arachnids everywhere.
Spidey, as he was known to friends and foes alike, passed this morning at 8:57 AM, despite the best efforts of the medical team called to save his life. "The Super Glue and epoxy we tried to use just wasn't strong enough and his injuries were too great. The Sotch Tape didn't hold either, there was too much doggy-goober", said a visibly shaken Dr. Strangepork, outside the trauma room at the Elgin Street Hospital. " Spiderman had been badly mauled before he got to us, and the bite marks were too deep. Even had he survived, he would only be a shell of the hero we have all come to love. Both hands as well as his left lower leg had been eaten - he would never been able to swing rooftop to rooftop ever again. Perhaps it's for the better that he died."
This was not the first time Spiderman had faced life and death situations. Last year he went missing for three days before being rescued from the bowels of the notorious Kenmore Upright Menace, and 7 years ago on this date, he sustained numerous broken bones and fractures in a wild stampede at an out-of-control birthday party when an anonymous caller reported that a cake was on the table.
He leaves behind no next of kin, only fond memories.
Final arrangements have been entrusted to Mom & Pop Burial Service, Bait Shop and Laundromat, Sarnia.
Interment will be Monday, August 23, at The Curbside Memorial. Donations to the Save the Toys From Extinction Fund would be greatly appreciated.
