Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when
needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're
even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us
when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart,
I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with
you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or
necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's?
Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let
alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But,
why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big
Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off
with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)?
I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell
me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to
hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely
unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45
seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous
evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover
immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I
ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the
kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be
minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some
years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been
the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the
needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra
money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I
will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your
possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the
following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when
needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're
even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us
when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart,
I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with
you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or
necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's?
Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let
alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But,
why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big
Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off
with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)?
I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell
me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to
hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely
unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45
seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous
evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover
immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I
ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the
kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be
minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some
years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been
the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the
needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra
money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I
will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your
possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the
following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
