Dr.Jass
Pastor of Muppets
This was a joke eBay auction I posted over a decade ago. It is due solely to this auction that I got involved in internet forums, after a certain XLR8R left a comment suggesting I belong with the loons over at the long-dead scatpack.com forums.
The link has been dead for years, but jodaddy1 was good enough to save the text.
I give you "Grandpa's Bucket o' Lifters" and I hope you enjoy it as much as others did years back:
Grandpa's Bucket o' Lifters
NO RESERVE - AM I INSANE?
Grandpa used to tell me, "Regis, I'd enjoy a good pork-chop colostomy." I never knew what that meant, and my confusion only doubled when he'd come home drunk with some bar slut he'd picked up at the saloon. They'd grab the Saran Wrap and disappear into the cubby hole under the stairs. Then, all we'd hear, other than a full-blast banjo music, was what sounded like a pained goat, and occasional breathless shouts of "Yahtzee!" from the girl.
Grandpa was a weird guy.
Grandma didn't seem to mind. . .of course, she thought she was Theodore Roosevelt and messed her pants a lot. In her more lucid moments, she'd complain that she was cold and punch Grandpa in the goolies. Then she'd go back to drinking corn liquor and writing her Bull Moose speeches.
But Grandpa never went anywhere without his bucket o' lifters, even though he never drove or owned a car. Maybe he threw them at people, I don't know, but he never came home alone. When the final "Yahtzee!" sounded, all he left behind was a studded leather choker, a bottle of Mazola corn oil, and this old coffee can with some good used lifters and other miscellaneous parts (bolts and such) in it. What do they fit? Well, they measure out at a .904" diameter, which makes them Mopar (Grandpa's choice of vehicles to not drive). He didn't own several Chryslers, in fact----at least 20 of them. The can was sitting next to a 440 block and heads, but I have no idea if all the bolts came from them. He just dropped stuff anywhere. Especially Grandma Ted.
Anyhow, you get at least 16 matching .904" hydraulic lifters (probably more) and a whole mess of bolts. The lifters may be the '67-and-older short lifters, but I don't even know if they all came out of the same motor, much less what motor they came out of. You get the coffee can, too, and any hardware I can find lying around the garage (some of which is coming off a '67 GTX). I'll include an NOS '71-'74 Charger armrest pad, only because it's not quite nice enough to auction on it's own (and it's tan) and an NOS Cordoba horn-button emblem (or is it a wheel center?), if I can find it. No, I can't tell you what else you'll get. . .not because it's a secret, but because I honestly don't know. But it will be marginally useful in some respect--I won't just send garbage, I promise.
The curiosity is killing me--I can't imagine your excitement!
Terms? Pay me using whatever method you want (cash, check, money order, or PayPal), so long as it's within 2 weeks of auction's end. I'll ship you this treasure trove of stuff upon receipt of payment (or when the check clears). This is all metal stuff, so it's heavy... shipping will be $10, regardless of what I find and throw in the box. If you bid and don't pay, though, I will really, truly leave bad feedback about your mom and tattle-tale you out to eBay. So plbbt.
Bid hard, bid often . . . bid like I know where you live.
The parts in this bucket may fit Ford, Chevrolet, Buick, Olds, Pontiac, AMC, Rambler, Avanti, Cadillac, Jeep and other makes. Some will for sure fit Mopar, Chrysler, Dodge, and Plymouth engines and vehicles. Some may even be correct for restoration purposes, but I have no idea, and neither will you unless you buy them and look really closely!
The link has been dead for years, but jodaddy1 was good enough to save the text.
I give you "Grandpa's Bucket o' Lifters" and I hope you enjoy it as much as others did years back:
Grandpa's Bucket o' Lifters
NO RESERVE - AM I INSANE?
Grandpa used to tell me, "Regis, I'd enjoy a good pork-chop colostomy." I never knew what that meant, and my confusion only doubled when he'd come home drunk with some bar slut he'd picked up at the saloon. They'd grab the Saran Wrap and disappear into the cubby hole under the stairs. Then, all we'd hear, other than a full-blast banjo music, was what sounded like a pained goat, and occasional breathless shouts of "Yahtzee!" from the girl.
Grandpa was a weird guy.
Grandma didn't seem to mind. . .of course, she thought she was Theodore Roosevelt and messed her pants a lot. In her more lucid moments, she'd complain that she was cold and punch Grandpa in the goolies. Then she'd go back to drinking corn liquor and writing her Bull Moose speeches.
But Grandpa never went anywhere without his bucket o' lifters, even though he never drove or owned a car. Maybe he threw them at people, I don't know, but he never came home alone. When the final "Yahtzee!" sounded, all he left behind was a studded leather choker, a bottle of Mazola corn oil, and this old coffee can with some good used lifters and other miscellaneous parts (bolts and such) in it. What do they fit? Well, they measure out at a .904" diameter, which makes them Mopar (Grandpa's choice of vehicles to not drive). He didn't own several Chryslers, in fact----at least 20 of them. The can was sitting next to a 440 block and heads, but I have no idea if all the bolts came from them. He just dropped stuff anywhere. Especially Grandma Ted.
Anyhow, you get at least 16 matching .904" hydraulic lifters (probably more) and a whole mess of bolts. The lifters may be the '67-and-older short lifters, but I don't even know if they all came out of the same motor, much less what motor they came out of. You get the coffee can, too, and any hardware I can find lying around the garage (some of which is coming off a '67 GTX). I'll include an NOS '71-'74 Charger armrest pad, only because it's not quite nice enough to auction on it's own (and it's tan) and an NOS Cordoba horn-button emblem (or is it a wheel center?), if I can find it. No, I can't tell you what else you'll get. . .not because it's a secret, but because I honestly don't know. But it will be marginally useful in some respect--I won't just send garbage, I promise.
The curiosity is killing me--I can't imagine your excitement!
Terms? Pay me using whatever method you want (cash, check, money order, or PayPal), so long as it's within 2 weeks of auction's end. I'll ship you this treasure trove of stuff upon receipt of payment (or when the check clears). This is all metal stuff, so it's heavy... shipping will be $10, regardless of what I find and throw in the box. If you bid and don't pay, though, I will really, truly leave bad feedback about your mom and tattle-tale you out to eBay. So plbbt.
Bid hard, bid often . . . bid like I know where you live.
The parts in this bucket may fit Ford, Chevrolet, Buick, Olds, Pontiac, AMC, Rambler, Avanti, Cadillac, Jeep and other makes. Some will for sure fit Mopar, Chrysler, Dodge, and Plymouth engines and vehicles. Some may even be correct for restoration purposes, but I have no idea, and neither will you unless you buy them and look really closely!
